Someone once asked me when I was seven months pregnant with my second set of twins, “Did you know that the divorce rate for couples with multiples is 70%?”
Umm … no. But thanks for letting me know. So basically, my chance for divorce then is 140%?
OK.
Listen, marriage is work. It is hard fricken work. And if you are thinking to yourself, “What? No it’s not. I love being married!” You are a newlywed. Sit down and enjoy the ride right now because it gets worse — much, much worse. Take your little problems now, my newlywed friend, and multiply them by 100, and that is where you are gonna be, soon enough.
I am not going to say that I hate being married. I don’t hate being married. Would I ever get married again? #Doubtful
Here is the thing: Kevin is my best friend, and I am his. I love him, and he loves me. But right now, in this moment of our lives, I feel — as I am sure he does — like we are running a small business and our employees are four little kids and two dogs, along with loads of dirty laundry, growing grass and a house that constantly smells like pee.
The floors are disgusting, everything is dusty, and I feel like I am being buried alive with toys — toys everywhere and pee. Did I mention our house, van and myself smell like pee all the time?
I sometimes let this all get to me. I feel like I am never gonna get ahead with all of the chores. And am I playing with my kids enough? Am I making an effort to have a date night with the hubs? Did I get my run in and my cooking and — oh, crap we are out of milk. It takes a toll trying to stay ahead of it all. I feel like I am constantly failing some days.
But back to the marriage.
So, how do you keep your marriage going with all this chaos? My advice: Don’t stress about it so much. If you have a good partner — one who loves you and knows you — they will know that this is just a season in your lives and in your marriage. They know that before kids, you were in love, and there was a reason for the love you felt. It is there, but right now, it is just kind of on the back burner.
Yes, sometimes you make time for each other — date nights, weekend getaways. It’s all good. But if you don’t get to do that, it’s OK. Some of us don’t have anyone to help us with our kids, which makes it even harder to get away together and spend time alone. But one day soon, you will be able to do all of the things you used to do together alone. So, if right now you can’t — its just too hard to line up a babysitter, find something to do on a tight budget, decide who is going to be the sober driver, you finally get to where you are going and all you talk about is Baby Tommy’s first tooth you found today, or the fact that everyone pooped on the potty and wiped their butts — it’s totally fine.
We are there. And if you are not there now, you will be. And if you are past this, you know what I am saying. Don’t judge yourself. Don’t judge your marriage. We are all different, and our marriages are all unique. That is what makes us us and what makes our marriages work.
It might seem like I have all my ducks in a row and my marriage and kids are all happy all the time. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. I have just as many problems in this house as you do in yours — maybe more.
This is the life, though. Don’t be so hard on yourself or your partner. One day soon, you will have your groove back, and its going to be better than it was before.
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