I spend all my time, pretending I’m fine
While stuck in the middle of a battle
with my mind
I can’t comprehend the complexity of this grief built up inside of me
The loss that haunts me
Loneliness, cuddled up right beside me
This emptiness I try to fill with distractions
Subtracting myself
I contemplated hard on that.
The stress I added to myself
Questioning my self-worth
I was ashamed of that
Hid behind glasses of Coke and Henny
Crying beneath the flashing light
Dancing with my head down
My tears helped soak the club floors
Mixing with mistakes spilled over the rim
Sanity tiptoed near the edge
It’s tough, to navigate through the trenches
of this anger consuming me
The guilt of feeling helpless
The fear of failure
The time lost to make amends
To give the love that was always there
but never felt
The hate for all the trauma given
Forgiveness for all that we’ve experienced
I blamed you and still do
but to accept that you were hurting too
I’m conflicted
After loving you, then hating you
Losing you, and missing you
For everything you put me through
I can’t hold it against you
Now I only want to hold you
in my arms one last time
To hear your voice over the phone
and know that everything will be OK
I pray to you every day
In hopes I reach an Angel’s ear
To feel the chills of the wind
so I know your spirit is always near
Parental bonds, transcends planes
It stands the test of time
All those times I stayed up late nights
Wondering if you cared
The drugs took your mind
The state took your child
The system took my parents
My grandma saved my life
I grew to understand, yours needed
saving too
I grew to understand, you were drowning too
Suffocating beneath the weight of this world we’ve been given
I’m conflicted
Hearing of the days when you chose to run away
but remembering some days when you chose to stay
Knowing there were good times
and blocking out the bad
It left me torn
Dissociating, destroying my memory
It’s insane
How this pain has changed me
Carelessly cold hearted
Numb on the inside smiles on the outside
I’m struggling with anxiety,
Struggling to make connections
To maintain relationships.
It’s trippy.
It trips me up when people ask am I OK?
What am I supposed to say?
The truth?
That I cry myself to sleep at night
I wake up in tears early mornings
That I thought about ending my life today
but I still have class tomorrow
The truth?
That I fell apart before I walked into this room
but quickly pulled myself together
Or that I lost passion for my art
I started questioning my dreams
I think the world would be better
Without my contributions to society
I could never give
The truth?
They’d medicate me and lock me away
If I said all the things I really wanted to say
I’m conflicted
To be honest
to keep living
to be distant
to understand the reason,
God chose you and called you home
And left me alone
To be left alone is all I ever ask for now
But to crave the love
To see the hope
make plans for months to come
To have wishes coming true before my eyes
I’ve worked hard to become something
A rose that grew from nothing
I can’t give up on her
My inner child calling out for help
I’m helping her, remember who she is
Remember how much she’s grown
Everything she’s overcome
All the troubles that I shoulder
I told her,
You have to love yourself first
The turmoil inside your heart
The storm inside your soul
Don’t be conflicted
For those emotions that are contradicting
They are valid
They are depicting your conviction
